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 :: 1835-1910, American Humorist, Writer

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Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
~ Mark Twain - [Laughter]

 

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All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised.
~ Mark Twain - [Kings]

 

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All say, How hard it is that we have to die -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
~ Mark Twain - [Death and Dying]

 

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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then Success is sure.
~ Mark Twain - [Success]

 

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Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
~ Mark Twain - [Right and Rightness]

 

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An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it down till the average is three and a half... I never write ''metropolis'' for seven cents, because I can get the same money for ''city.'' I never write ''policeman,'' because I can get the same price for ''cop.''... I never write ''valetudinarian'' at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; I wouldn't do it for fifteen.
~ Mark Twain - [Words]

 

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Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born --a hundred million years --and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together. There was a peace, a serenity, an absence of all sense of responsibility, an absence of worry, an absence of care, grief, perplexity; and the presence of a deep content and unbroken satisfaction in that hundred million years of holiday which I look back upon with a tender longing and with a grateful desire to resume, when the opportunity comes.
~ Mark Twain - [Death and Dying]

 

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Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment.
~ Mark Twain - [Materialism]

 

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Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
~ Mark Twain - [Impossibility]

 

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As a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men; as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men; and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man, savage or civilized!
~ Mark Twain - [Insects]

 

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As to the adjective, when in doubt strike it out.
~ Mark Twain - [Writers and Writing]

 

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Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
~ Mark Twain - [Appearance]

 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~ Mark Twain - [Health]

 

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Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
~ Mark Twain - [Dress]

 

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Be good and you will be lonely.
~ Mark Twain - [Loneliness]

 

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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
~ Mark Twain - [Virtue]

 

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Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises? That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark: -- ''I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars.''
~ Mark Twain - [Credit]

 

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Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.
~ Mark Twain - [Knowledge]

 

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Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
~ Mark Twain - [Biography]

 

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Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
~ Mark Twain - [Marriage]

 

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